Let me tell you something.

Let me be completely serious for once, and say there is only so much a person can take until they snap.

Let me tell you that I, Courtney Gaylord, have a bad reputation, and I know. I hear on a daily basis about what people have heard about me, and I usually brush it off, but believe me, it fucking sucks. So I guess I have some explaining to do. I don't intend on making anyone feel bad for me, I just want my side out there.

Here it goes.

ALC is the 6th high school I have attended, and I'm beyond excited to graduate. People always ask me why I've gone to so many high schools, and they usually assume it's because I'm running away from everyone who hates me. No. If I were trying to leave people who hate me, I would probably have to move out of state. In all honesty, I have an anxiety disorder that makes it hard for me to talk to anyone. I just assume that people don't like me, because that's what I've been told my entire life. The ways I've dealt with my anxiety has differed throughout my life. First it started with pulling my eye lashes out, then my hair, and then when I developed a pretty little bald spot, I started isolating myself. So, my freshman year of high school, while attending Rosemount, I missed a lot of school because I no longer knew how to be around people without freaking out. The next year, I up and left to go to Kennedy, in hopes of being able to fit in. Wrong. Still weird old Courtney who doesn't know how to talk to anyone, and I definitely ended up eating lunch in the bathroom the entire time I went there. It's kind of funny, though, because before that, I thought that only happened in the movies. So I came back to Rosemount, because at least I knew people there. Long story short, my mom couldn't afford to live in our old house after my parents got divorced, so we moved to Eagan. That was a fucking fairy tale. Not. Still anxious, still couldn't talk to anyone, still ate lunch in a class room with my history teacher. Oh haha, and of course everyone knows the story of me getting jumped in my own neighborhood by some Somalian girls. That one's a real knee slapper, and oh I'm sure you can't imagine how fun it was to go to school the next day and have everyone tell me I deserved it. So my mom said fuck Eagan, and bought our current house in Apple Valley, and that's when I started Eastview. I loved Eastview so much, and I know people always say they hated it, but it was truly the happiest place I'd ever been. I had  so many close friends, so I do kind of miss it, but since my depression got the best of me throughout the first two quarters of my senior year, I failed almost every class I was in, because I could no longer pay attention at school, and my teachers took that as me not trying, which sucked, but whatever. At least I knew I was doing my best, but then I went to treatment, and when I got out, I thought the best thing for me to do was try out online school. Yeah, couldn't commit to that and just slept all day. Hah, life. So now I go to good old ALC, but I'm still going to Eastview's prom, and walking at Eastview's graduation, and I'm nervous, but so excited. So now you know why I've been to 6 high schools, but if you still want to think it's because everyone hates me, I understand. I hate me too.

"Everyone says you're a slut." Yeah, there's something I hear every day. Have I been a promiscuous, conniving, little whore before? Probably. I really have no way to justify it, but I have figured something out about girls who are a little.. on the wild side, and it's a common thing I've noticed about girls like me. They don't feel pretty, and when a guy tells them they're pretty, they'll do anything for them. Throughout middle school, I was told how fat and ugly I was on a daily basis. Looking back, I never should have let it get to me, but I did, and that stuff still haunts me to this day, because back then, I never had a problem with girls. It was always guys telling me that. So, freshman/sophomore year, when guys started to notice me, and tell me things I wanted to hear, and the rest is history. My junior year, I fell so in love with someone, and since then, I haven't really  been back to my immoral, gross, ways, but that doesn't change anyone's mind. It doesn't help that this year, I've had a few guys lie about getting with me, and of course, everyone believed them. May I just say that Zeadd lied about what happened that night..? Like go and tell everyone I gave you head, but that doesn't make it. true. Disgusting.


So there's a little explanation. Yeah, you may hate me, everyone may hate me, but I can assure you, you will never hate Courtney-Nicole Gaylord as much as I do.

5940

"Welcome to United Hospital, Unit 5940, my name is ___, the person to my left is ___." Hearing that phrase every morning, afternoon and night is enough to make someone go crazy, so it always confused me as to why we had to do it. A lot of people have asked me what it's like to be in "the loony bin" or if everyone in there is crazy. Of course we're crazy! Why else would we be on 24 hour lock down in a secured section of a hospital where all of our belongings were considered contraband? The world is crazy though, we were just a little different. 

Let's start with how I got into this big mess. I had a regular Monday morning, but I just didn't feel like going to school, which is a normal thing for me seeing as I miss a lot of school, so I stayed home. Throughout the day, I tried to catch up on all my work but I didn't feel like doing that either. Basically, I didn't feel like doing anything. I was just apathetic. I got home from my night classes, laid in my bed and thought about life. What's the meaning? What am I going to do? Am I going to be successful? What if I'm not? and most importantly, what is the point? When I thought about the point in life, I couldn't think of one. There was no point in living. 

30 pills, a lot of vomit and a sobbing confession to my mom later, I was in a bed at good old United Hospital. I was evaluated by 3 different doctors that asked me the same questions. Why did you do this? Did you want to be saved? Are you happy you're alive? What are the marks on your wrist from? What did you use to cut? How long have you felt this way? Finally, they told me I would be staying in Unit 5940. My doctor told me the normal stay for patients is 3-5 days, unfortunately, that was a lie. They took my clothes, my phone and my iPod and wheeled me up to my new temporary home.

Unit 5940 was a big circle shaped room with 7 other rooms inside. When I was brought up there, they took my vitals and searched me. The wand started beeping for my belly button ring and after telling my nurse I don't do drugs, I had to show her my mushroom belly button ring. I laughed. She didn't. This is a good time to mention that humor is not tolerated in Unit 5940, which sucked for me cause everything is a joke to me.

Anyway, as the entire checking in process was going on, all the patients were sitting in the lobby staring at me. I thought this was weird, but I didn't know that it was a regular thing. New patients come in. you stare at them as if you're trying to figure out their entire life story, and then you bombard them with extremely personal questions. Nothing weird. 

I know you're not interested about what we did there and all that jazz, so let me tell you about my fellow patients. My roommate was this  short, black haired girl named Alexx. She made sure EVERYONE knew it was with two X's, not one. She loved to sing and she had a beautiful voice, and she would sing every night until we both fell asleep. Unfortunately, when you're sleeping, the nurses still check on you every 15 minutes so it was impossible to stay asleep. The first night I met Alexx, I told her a lot about my life I've never told anyone. That's the thing about being in a psych ward, it's like you have your own tiny, dysfunctional family that you can always talk to at the end of the day. After a few days there, I became very close, virtually inseparable with two people named Gabe and Lexi, because they were closest to my age. One day, as we were sitting in the lobby, a new patient came in. We did our routine thing and creeped as she got checked in, but when she turned around, I was blown away. A girl that I have known for 6 years was in the same hospital as me. She told me all about why she was in there and I was actually really surprised.


That's when I learned to NEVER underestimate the pain someone suffers every waking minute of their life. Everyone struggles, and everyone copes in different ways.

I also met two delightful boys named Josh and Cody. Josh often told me about how he was in the mafia, or something of that sort. I would always zone out when he was talking, but the occasional "mhmmm" or "yeah" would encourage him to tell me more. I knew he liked to talk, so I let him do his thing. Cody was a different story. He was sweet and had good intentions, and I knew he would do anything for someone he cared about, but he cared too much. One day in group, I opened up about how I'm not very confident, which has always had a major impact on me, and how I deal with things. Cody gave me an unusual look and said, "I don't know why you're not confident, but you should know you're beautiful. I've seen you with and without make up and you are gorgeous. You have a personality that can light up any room. Stop being so fucking hard on yourself" I wish I could go back and tell him how much that affected me. After that, he started to follow me everywhere like a puppy dog, and ask for my number. Fortunately, it's forbidden to give out personal information, so I used that as an excuse since I have learned that giving out my number is not a good idea. That's a story for another day. Also, one day he mentioned to another girl that he wanted to 'mount me to the wall like a prized deer' among other explicit things. Oh. Alright.


After 7 days of staying in Unit 5940, I was considered mentally stable and released to go home. When my mom came to pick me up, I ran to go give her a hug and just started bawling. I was so excited to see a familiar face, instead of the nurses that just check on you every second of your life.


I turned on my phone to see 26 new text messages, 3 voicemails,  42 friend requests on Facebook, 20 notifications, and 16 messages. Instead of replying to everyone with an overenthusiastic 'thank you so much!!!!' I simply put my phone down and thought about all those people who were trying to contact me. A majority of the people that were trying to talk to me, don't acknowledge me on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the support, but that's when I learned another lesson. 

The phrase "they only care when you die" is very true, and I learned that very quickly when I got out. I'm in no way upset about it, just comfortable with it. It's not anyone's fault that people are more inclined to care about you when you're in a crisis, it's just human nature. 


I often think about my time in the hospital, and even with all the drama and craziness, some of the happiest times of my life were spent in Unit 5940. I am so happy to be alive, and I have learned a lot from it. Life is a beautiful thing, and you learn that right when you feel like it's slipping away from you. 


It gets better.